I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
