I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
