She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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