tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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