If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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