My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
