I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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