there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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