Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
