in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
