Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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