someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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