You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
