he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Holy sore nipples Batman
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
