I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
