im drinking this country out of the recession.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
