So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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