even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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