I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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