.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Bring me that man meat
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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