she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
