call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
