just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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