Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dating After Heartbreak
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.