3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life