I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
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Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
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Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..