did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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