I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
