don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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