i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
