ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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