apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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