i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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