i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
