i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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