I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
