he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
