Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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