life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
