wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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