I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
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I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
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She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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