i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
