I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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