You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
