why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
