I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
