Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
