dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
