tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
