woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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