Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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