3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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