omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
