I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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