You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
