We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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