the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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