I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
