Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
