i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
