I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
