a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
